DarkEmeralds (emeraldsedai) wrote,

File 'em under S

By now, everyone's seen the latest cast photos from Serenity, right?

I feel like these people are my friends. My very, very good-looking friends, but still, they're folks. They show up at events dressed pretty much like me. Sometimes worse (*fixes Nathan with a scathing quirk of the eyebrow*).

Now they've been kidnapped by a cult. In Stepford.

Part of me is all, "Yay! They look like movie stars and everyone in the world will be able to see how beautiful they are."

The rest of me saves the photos in a file called SluttySerenity. (Thanks to kispexi2 for helping me clarify my thoughts.)

Maybe the lack of focus is a blessing.

The ONLY explanation I can find for this trainwreck is "budget." They couldn't afford an Annie Liebowitz.

So here's what I think they did instead. This is my fanwank and I'm stickin' to it.

They hired an inexpensive photographer. He's cheap because he hasn't quite got the hang of that wide-angle thing yet. Or, you know, focus.

Wah-wah head.

Morena probably frowned a little when she saw this.

Must be all the beauty that caused the film to blur.

Now, maybe Joss wanted these photos to be everything that "Serenity" ain't. Isn't. So the photographer watched clips from the movie, then went batshit with color and slickness and snazzy contemporary locations. Funny, he's managed to retain Kaylee's taste.

His makeup artist has one clever trick, and that trick is to make everyone look like dolls!

Can you find the real doll?

As for wardrobe, they took Joss's notes--"original, distinctive, quirky"--and dressed the women out of Frederick's of Hollywood. They went to the Junior League Thrift Shop for the men, and told them to wear their own comfy shoes.

So there they are at this all-day shoot, our Big Damn Heroes good-naturedly going along with the wardrobe changes, posing in various artistic settings. Those boxes of liquor on the wall are sure classy. And hey! How about those birch rods!

Subtle, huh?

But whoops--they didn't get a shirt for Sean, so he has to wear the one he's got on--with a too-large tuxedo as well as with a baseball jacket approximately the color of peanut butter.

"Hey, maybe if we flip the collar up, it'll look more adult."

Finding jeans to fit Adam at a thrift shop was problematic, and they have to stuff him into a pair that's a size too small.

This one, I'm not complaining about all that much.

Why finding a suit jacket in Alan's size was a problem I can't guess. He's gotta be a 42 regular. Maybe a tall.

For that extra-schlubby look.

But by gum they've got a big fan to blow everyone's hair back because that always looks cool. And they have pancake makeup and glowy powder, and they aren't afraid to use it.

I admit it: she looks gorgeous. But homogeneous. I'm stickin' with homogeneous.

The ONLY thing they got right, in my opinion, is the pinstripe motif. That's irony, see--because what's more establishment and button-down than pinstripes?--and it wouldn't surprise me if Joss actually dictated that detail.

No, it's not pinstriped. But it is one other thing they got right.

So Joss and his production company wind up with this mess, and there's no budget or time to re-shoot it. The photos are overdue. They have to be released.

Sean is dismayed at being made to look so very...um... Yeah, that's not helping his career.

Unless, as kispexi2 points out, he's planning a career in WWII movies.

Nathan didn't realize he had quite such a fey look in his repetoire.

It's all in the head-tilt. And the Pan-Cake.

Summer is thrilled because she looks so grown up and glamorous--though stepping on Nathan's genitals with a purple high heel is symbolism she's not entirely comfortable with.

Brought to you by the folks who thought the birch rods were subtle.

Gina's NOT happy about the pregnant look.

And "braless in orange chiffon" is always so classy.

Ron, Adam and Jewel are pretty satisfied--they're such old pros that they never take a bad picture, and they aren't that vain anyway.

I have a red-eye corrector. Don't the pros have a tooth-glare corrector?

Alan hasn't seen the photos at all and couldn't care less.

Imagine if a REAL artist had gotten hold of this job. Imagine the as-yet undiscovered Greg Edmondson of glamor photography, the Carey Meyer, the Joss. We could have had "sexy elegance." Or "fun in the sun." Or, hell, I don't know, "apres-ski cocktails around the big stone fireplace."

But no. They went with the old tried and true "Barhopping Sluts" motif.

Tags: serenity
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