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Even Though

After listening for at least the fifth time to Margaret Lynch's training session on healing the second chakra, and feeling as frustrated by it this afternoon as I have the other times, I decided to do some tapping.

I work alone (and type really fast), so I've developed a method of recording as I go. The "tapping" is as much fingertips on keyboard as on actual meridian points. It seems to work.

Even though I am fucking SICK of trying to fix myself, especially in this hopeless 2nd chakra, and I just don't want to let the world in, or be vulnerable, or interact with people and I hate thinking of myself as being flawed or broken because of that birth-day wound, I choose to honor the struggle I'm having right now.

Even though I HATE feeling broken and wounded and secret and all Fisher-King-y because I was injured at birth, I choose to honor the amazing gift that wound has brought me because I know there is one and it's my unique signature and I love and accept myself.

Even though I'm weary to my bones--and BORED--with this whole stupid battle, and I can hear the angels singing and saying Hallelujah she finally gets it, and part of me wants to say "Fuck you! How dare you praise this you patronizing angels!" I choose to be calm and confident and honor all the feelings that have kept me from expressing my true self all these years.

So sick and tired of this
This resentment
I'm different. Get over it.
I LIKE my wound
It makes me really unique.
I'm not even sure I want to open my 2nd chakra
That sounds dangerous
That sounds TEDIOUS
Screw that
What am I gonna do with an open 2nd chakra at this time of life anyway?
I hate the idea of intimacy
I hate the idea of vulnerability
I know it would be better for my energy-health to have everything working
But why do I have to change who I fundamentally am?
Maybe the intimacy is with myself
Maybe the vulnerability is to myself
Maybe there's a unique and powerful way for me to work with my 2nd chakra
That isn't Carol's way
That isn't Margaret's way
That isn't anybody else's way.
My way
I guess I don't mind getting help from the angels.
I guess I don't mind divine help
I don't really think the angels or God will laugh at me
People, though.
People will roll their eyes
And say "It's about time"
And make "dying on the vine" comparisons
Or pity me for my wasted life
How can I show them my power?
I'd have to explain my failure!
They'll feel less-than
I can't deal with that
Gah! I want to run
I want to go back to my head
And think about designing things
But I am strong
I am persistent
I am the person who never gave up
"Never give up on someone you don't go a day without thinking about"
That's me.
The hill is high
The pile of rocks seems huge
But I've moved mountains before
And it's a pile, not a mountain
I can feel the light
There's hope for me still
Of course there is!

I don't follow anybody's standard protocol, I just raid Gary Craig and Nick Ortner and Carol Tuttle and Pat Carrington and Margaret Lynch for parts, and construct my own. The basic structure, however, is standard: negative setup statement repeated three times (with some choices inserted), followed by all the short negatives that pop up, until I yawn, or sneeze, or feel the emotional intensity drop, or get really bored. Then some positives, all while tapping around the points.

Then, if you're me, repeat till you can't stand it anymore, then call it a day.

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, where there are comment count unavailable comments. | Comment at Dreamwidth.



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