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The Meeting



Eight cold drinks with straws
One face talking, nineteen bored.
No one's taking notes.

My boss bites her nails
Her boss talks and talks and talks.
He hears nobody.

Spreadsheet on the screen
Take it for reality
You can do this job.

Two criteria
But one is "criterion"
It's all Greek to him.

Some of us believe
We are only important
If we talk in here.

Red hair black hair bald
Brown hair blond hair strawberry
And gray, that one is me.

My water bottle
Brushed aluminum, dented
Too bad it's empty.

We're behind schedule.
Every minute counts, he says.
Why are we still here?

Words keep pouring out
I am now the champion
At bullshit bingo!

If I push my eyes
With my thumbs and forefingers
I see pretty lights.

Look at all the feet
Under the conference tables
Some of us have socks.

Sixty minutes gone
Seventy, seventy-five
He has a freeze ray.

Cracking myself up
"Hey Em are you okay there?"
I am so busted.

Giggling makes me cry
and gives me a runny nose
Sniffling passes time.

Someone leaves the room,
Comes back with a Fig Newton.
Hey! That isn't fair!

Eighty-five minutes.
Oh my god it's not over.
Wait! He's winding down.

Tick tock tick tock tick
Tock tick tock tick tock tick tock
I'm going to die.

If you talk again
I'll shoot you, I swear to God.
Murder in my mind.

One minute remains
He's running out the damn clock
Just to piss me off.

Oh my fucking god
Ninety five unrecoverable
Minutes of my life.

Comments

( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
serenity_valley
Aug. 4th, 2008 11:26 pm (UTC)
Homicidal rage
This icon is for That Guy.
You're fucking awesome.
emeraldsedai
Aug. 4th, 2008 11:50 pm (UTC)
My LiveJournal friends
Are the best folks in the world.
Some are maniacs.

Awesome, awesome icon!
(Deleted comment)
emeraldsedai
Aug. 5th, 2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
It was the socks one that had me giggling uncontrollably, which in turn caused the boss to ask me if I was okay--because seriously I'm pretty sure I looked like I was weeping.

I had to write him an apology after the meeting.
(Deleted comment)
emeraldsedai
Aug. 5th, 2008 03:52 pm (UTC)
Astonishingly enough, my outburst caused me no discomfort at all. Me, the shame queen.

I was so impressed with my own hilarity that I didn't see how overwrought I've become at work until this morning, when I woke up with an intense and irresistible desire to waste half a tank of gas driving out the Columbia Gorge.

Upon which errand I am about to embark. Photos will almost certainly ensue.
(Deleted comment)
emeraldsedai
Aug. 5th, 2008 10:35 pm (UTC)
I know.

*sighs*

It was almost a hundred degrees out there. I had the air conditioning going full blast. I drove 80 miles per hour most of the way. It was a trip of 160 miles all told.

My only excuse is that this is the first time I've driven my car in a couple of weeks, and the first time I've bought gas in almost two months.

That, and "I really, really needed it."
(Deleted comment)
emeraldsedai
Aug. 6th, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
Underthings...
makena_smiles
Aug. 5th, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
Those are hilarious!! At least if a portion of your day was sucked up by a ridiculous time wasting meeting the haiku awesomeness is a positive side.
emeraldsedai
Aug. 5th, 2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks. It was a pressure-valve, for sure. I just hope nobody noticed me sitting there counting syllables with my fingers on the deck of my laptop when I was supposed to be taking minutes...
roseambr
Aug. 5th, 2008 04:55 pm (UTC)
I feel your pain!!! OMG! This is the kind of meeting where you understand "going postal!"
emeraldsedai
Aug. 5th, 2008 10:29 pm (UTC)
I was about as close as I ever get these days to losing it.

Well, in fact, I did lose it. But at least I lost it to giggling instead of screaming with a shotgun, huh?
decemberleaf
Aug. 6th, 2008 10:34 pm (UTC)
"Ninety five unrecoverable
"Minutes of my life."

Not entirely. What about this haiku? Right on target! (Made me squirm.)

emeraldsedai
Aug. 6th, 2008 11:11 pm (UTC)
I take it, then, that you, too, know the pain of office work?

Actually, my career in government has been very good to me (not least by giving me the freedom to screw around writing haiku every now and then and still be employed). The meeting here was just a particularly strong example of Dilbert-level bad management.
communicator
Aug. 8th, 2008 09:48 am (UTC)
Hope you don't mind I shared this with some people at work - it's spot on
emeraldsedai
Aug. 8th, 2008 05:15 pm (UTC)
Not at all--I'm flattered. And I think one of your coworkers has commented, which is very nice. International acclaim for my haiku! :D
(Anonymous)
Aug. 8th, 2008 10:21 am (UTC)
I think I was at that meeting. Brilliant!
emeraldsedai
Aug. 8th, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)
Hello. You must be a friend of communicator's. Thanks for dropping by and commenting.
(Anonymous)
Aug. 8th, 2008 07:58 pm (UTC)
Yes - I share an office with Communicator and another colleague who is equally enamoured with the ridiculous management world we've found ourselves in :-)
You've captured perfectly the hell that is a meeting. Let's park that one...drone drone drone.

Excellent!
llaras
Aug. 8th, 2008 11:04 am (UTC)
Hee! I love the hair one and the pretty lights one.

*hugses*
emeraldsedai
Aug. 8th, 2008 05:14 pm (UTC)
Heh. Thanks. Things are much better now.
tehomet
Aug. 18th, 2008 10:21 pm (UTC)
OMG so funny! :) You crack me up.
emeraldsedai
Aug. 18th, 2008 11:56 pm (UTC)
Heh. In this case, I cracked myself up almost right out of a job--certainly out of most of my credibility!
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )

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