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Goodbye to all that

This is harder than it looks, and it looked pretty hard to begin with.

I've managed to empty and take down two of the shelves behind my bedroom door. The porch is piling up with giveaways for the Vietnam Veterans of America. I had to take a break.


The slice I'm trying to clear is filled with the fossilized remains of a number of things I've poured my heart into in the past. I think I understand why getting rid of the evidence is so draining.

It's because almost everything behind that door represents a failure. The Perfect Bead Box, the beautiful product I designed but couldn't get to market. The sewing patterns (and much of the fabric) for a gorgeous wardrobe that I really didn't have the focus or skill to create. The books and supplies and beautiful little tools of silversmithing, which I loved but, when all was said and done, really didn't have the passion to pursue. The training manuals and notebooks from the hypnotherapy courses that fascinated me so much a few years ago.

Why would I not want to jettison all these reminders of my unfulfilled past? What kind of extra credit do I expect from hanging on to them? Do I think maybe I'll take up any of those activities again?

It's time to stop kidding myself. I gave myself over completely to each and every one of them in its turn, conquered each to the limits of my attention span, and then lost interest and set down the tools. I don't think I was ready to accept that simple truth of my nature until just this minute.

So, goodbye to all that. It's leaving my house today.

Comments

( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
roxymissrose
Feb. 25th, 2008 02:23 am (UTC)
You're so strong
I need to tell myself the truth, and just let go of interests I'm not going to pursue again.
emeraldsedai
Feb. 25th, 2008 05:48 am (UTC)
Re: You're so strong
Well, I'm sitting here about 25 pounds of paper and five grocery bags of fossilized personal history lighter, and from this vantage point, I can recommend it. It's very liberating.
str8ontilmornin
Feb. 25th, 2008 04:00 am (UTC)
This post brought a few tears to my eyes. I've a few of my own lost interests. Yet again, thank you for sharing so honestly.
I hope you get to where you are going. Just think how free you'll be.
emeraldsedai
Feb. 25th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC)
At what age do intelligent, creative people start collecting passionate interests? Five? Six? The trail of tools, books, equipment, supplies, photographs and creations starts up pretty early.

I'm finally realizing that the stuff isn't the experience, and that getting rid of one doesn't erase the other.

In fact, when I put it that way, my whole basis for keeping the stuff seems pretty lame. Like the song says, "Burn the junk, toss debris, you can't take the sky from me."
avventura1234
Feb. 25th, 2008 04:07 am (UTC)
It seems to me that in the asking of the question, you found the answer. Very courageous - both the undertaking and the posting about it. I can't wait to see the new space!
emeraldsedai
Feb. 25th, 2008 05:20 am (UTC)
Most of these self-answering questions aren't really that surprising when it comes right down to it. But it's good to get them asked and answered.

I cleared out giant quantities of crap this evening. As usual, once I got going, it got easier. And every area I clear makes me feel more positive about getting the rest of them done.
(Deleted comment)
emeraldsedai
Feb. 25th, 2008 05:34 pm (UTC)
Excellent point. And sort of corollary to that is accepting that it's okay to throw oneself passionately into a thing for its own sake, and that not somehow turning it into a lifelong (and preferably profitable) pursuit doesn't make it a waste of time.

Passing all that stuff along has always felt like failure for that reason.
(Deleted comment)
emeraldsedai
Feb. 25th, 2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
Honest to God, I need a Puritan icon. One of those hats with the buckles.

Oh, wait...
roseambr
Feb. 25th, 2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
You are on such an important journey here! As you and I have talked about many times, our lives have been about trying all kinds of things. So, it's important to remember (I think) that it's about the trying and the experience of venturing into new things that matters. We don't have to have a passion for every thing we take up. If we did we would stay in that one thing our whole lives and never try anything new. New equals exciteing. And let's face it, that search for excitment is really what it is all about. It's what keeps us wanting more. Nothing wrong with that or with finding out after starting something that it isn't all that right for you. So, move on. But, as you are finding, moving on means letting go of it. Letting go of it means getting rid of it. All this makes me think of all of the bead supplies I have out in the garage and all of the clay working tools I have on a shelf and all of the camera equipment I have in the attic. Yickes! I have the same "stuff" it's just spread out in a larger area! But I know I will be getting to those areas sooner or later.

Congratulations on taking the lion on head first, sword drawn! You rock!
emeraldsedai
Feb. 25th, 2008 05:40 pm (UTC)
That's me, a regular St. George. Hee!

Thanks for the encouraging words. I know you and I have this "serial enthusiasm syndrome" in common.

It's true that my hobby-crap is concentrated in a smaller area than it is for people with attics and garages and working basements. That's starting to seem like a real advantage here.

It's amazing. Once I break through the barrier on one item, everything else starts to flow. Having unloaded some silversmithing tools, I'm now undaunted by the prospect of unloading my beads. In fact, I'm looking forward to it.
serenity_valley
Feb. 25th, 2008 08:43 pm (UTC)
I have a friend on my f-list who uses beads for some really beautiful jewelry and I'm sure she'd be interested in your bead supplies (and possibly the silver smithing tools). I think her financial situation is tight so she may not be able to afford anything, but it couldn't hurt to put you two together, if you'd be interested. If not (for any reason, of course, no problem.
emeraldsedai
Feb. 25th, 2008 09:48 pm (UTC)
I've got them on offer to another jewelry-maker, but if she's not interested, or doesn't want them all, I'd love to offer them to someone who could use them.

I'll let you know. Thanks for the offer.
llaras
Feb. 26th, 2008 07:58 am (UTC)
*heartfelt hugs*
emeraldsedai
Feb. 26th, 2008 05:49 pm (UTC)
Thanks.

I can hardly believe how good I feel, getting rid of it.
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )

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