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3/30: Authenticity

I've been wanting to say authentic things here: deeper, truer things, stuff that makes me uneasy to share (not because it's necessarily bad or dangerous, but because I have a highly-controlled personality and my people place a premium on self-containment and shame-avoidance).

So I'm sort of working up to talking about my long trek through the desert of reductionist materialism into a tentative anatheism, or about transformative experiences that have left no mark on my skin, my address, or my income, and therefore may not look real to other people (and may sound loony).

I want to talk about these things, but I still worry about being cast out of what few communities I can claim connection to, for being something (it could be anything--unacceptable, ill-informed, backward, too far-out, not articulate enough, stupid, outdated, wrong, and, most recently, too old).

So for today I'll leave this as a placeholder, and move briefly on to more mundane things.

Like, OMG was Backstrom as awful as I thought it was? It was, right? Cliché, offensive, derivative, how-the-fuck-did-this-get-greenlit, pretending-to-be-Portland-can't-save-it bad. Right? But maybe the 12 unbearable minutes I gave it weren't enough. Does it deserve another chance?

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, where there are comment count unavailable comments.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
helenajust
Jan. 31st, 2015 04:25 pm (UTC)
I can't comment on Backstrom (since it isn't on here) beyond saying that the summary I just read doesn't bode well.

As far as I'm concerned you can say what you want to here in your own space, as along as it is going to have a positive effect for you. I nearly said "make you happy", but that isn't the point; you have to be ready to say what you want to say, and only say as much as you want to. If you never feel like it, that's OK too: it's not a test to be passed or failed.
emeraldsedai
Feb. 1st, 2015 07:28 am (UTC)
Thank you. Very, very true. A public journal may not be the place, and of course I do have total freedom of choice here. I think what I'm groping towards is a realization that if I don't start speaking my truth--here or somewhere--I'll just shrivel up into safe, platitudinous nothings.

And you're right: "happy" isn't quite the right target. Obviously, I don't see a clear path yet, but I'm at least looking around for a trailhead. I appreciate your comment.
happytune
Jan. 31st, 2015 04:53 pm (UTC)
Oh I hope you'll feel able to share at some stage! I would love to hear about your journey!
emeraldsedai
Feb. 1st, 2015 07:29 am (UTC)
Thank you for the encouragement. I genuinely appreciate it. Still groping around for a new jumping-off point. I suppose just re-committing to a Post Every Day For a Month is a start.
twasadark
Feb. 2nd, 2015 06:18 am (UTC)
I would love to hear your thoughts on spiritual matters. I'd never heard of Anatheism - how intriguing! I love how ferociously intellectual you are while finding a way to relate your intellect to your daily life in real, concrete ways. It inspires me to do the same.

I find myself working to be more authentic in spiritual things myself. When I was very young I was pretty judgmental and finding that behavior rather ugly I swung the other way entirely into objectivity. The problem with that is that I never really shared my inmost convictions, and now that I'm becoming an elder (not elderly, but a mature, wise woman) I find that I must share those convictions. If I don't share them then what I've struggled with and learned in my life will be lost.

Anyhow, the sharing will get easier the more you do it. I certainly won't think you're a loon or cast you out. But then again I'm probably somewhat loony myself! :-)

I didn't watch Backstrom but I did recently discover Penny Dreadful which is gruesome and wonderful and strangely moving all at once.
emeraldsedai
Feb. 3rd, 2015 06:21 am (UTC)
Thank you for your kind words. "Ferociously intellectual" is an epithet I will happily embrace, whether or not I deserve it!

...now that I'm becoming an elder...I find that I must share those convictions. If I don't share them then what I've struggled with and learned in my life will be lost.

This is such an important insight. Aging has had a great deal to do with my sense of having been inauthentic for a lot of my life. Like you, I think I've become less judgmental (God, I hope I have!), but I hadn't really thought about the swing into entire objectivity. That's an interesting way of putting it. One really doesn't care as much about positions and beliefs as time goes on, and it's easy to slip from that "broad overview" stance right into indifference--which is not where we really meant to wind up. That's well worth thinking about. Thank you.

I managed two episodes of Penny Dreadful and could see its merit, but found it viscerally distressing (in every sense of that phrase!), so I gave it up. Backstrom isn't even on the same planet with it for intrinsic quality.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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