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20/31 Vanishing

Do you ever feel like you're just...disappearing?

I have the oddest sensation lately that I barely exist. I'm sure my imminent retirement has something to do with it--one of my lifelong mooring lines is about to be cast off. I've never been very engaged with my work or my coworkers, and now I'm even less so.

I don't think that's the whole story, though. I can't figure out how to describe it. But, as we say in EFT, "if you did know how to describe it, what do you think you'd say?"

It's...hollow. Quiet. Becalmed. In a fog. When I home in on it, there's fear at the center that I don't want to look at. It's probably not a monster--more like a Dweller on the Threshold. (...there come cycles wherein the Dweller on the Threshold appears and confronts the aspirant, challenging his purpose and progress and blocking the door which leads to expanded life and liberation. The Dweller challenges the freedom of the human soul.1)

If I get the nerve to confront it, I'll let myself know. Meanwhile, have a pretty picture from my morning commute:

A view from the Eastbank Esplanade westward across the Willamette River in Portland on a foggy morning, with downtown buildings beginning to emerge into sunshine

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, where there are comment count unavailable comments.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
executrix
Oct. 23rd, 2013 01:11 am (UTC)
You could get rid of the big thick cable and keep a thinner rope...err, I mean, they're likely to want you to consult for lots more money and lots less work after you formally retire, so you could keep a very tenuous connection instead of entirely floating free.

Personally, I know I have to make some big changes in my life and I'm pretty scared, but fortunately most people are a Better Example than I am.
emeraldsedai
Oct. 23rd, 2013 02:15 am (UTC)
I think of you as the heroine of Hurricane Sandy and it's hard to imagine you needing help to handle big changes. Good ones, I hope?

(Consulting is a possibility, though not one that I'm counting on financially. Lots of retirees do go back. I'm presently inclined towards a clean break, but things could look very different by March or so.)
executrix
Oct. 23rd, 2013 02:38 am (UTC)
Oh, well, a year on I can look back and see that I accomplished swine-all.

I wouldn't have mentioned the Spectre of Consulting Haunting Europe The World's Tallest Basement if you hadn't said you were not entirely comfortable with the thought of severing connections entirely. If you'd rather make the clean break, though, it will work!

emeraldsedai
Oct. 23rd, 2013 02:43 am (UTC)
Swine-all with regard to disaster preparedness? Say it isn't so!!
executrix
Oct. 23rd, 2013 01:16 pm (UTC)
Alas, yes...
But sad to say, it hardly ever happens.
You'd have to reach up high, and Man is low.
Who wouldn't want a little decent treatment?
It seems that Circumstance won't have it so.
(Threepenny Opera).
twasadark
Oct. 23rd, 2013 04:17 pm (UTC)
Perhaps you are anticipating the grief that comes with change? While retirement is awesome and longed for, it is still a major life shift.
emeraldsedai
Oct. 23rd, 2013 04:25 pm (UTC)
I think that must be a big part of it. I appreciate your perspective. It's easy to forget the sadness that comes with a desirable change.
twasadark
Oct. 23rd, 2013 04:51 pm (UTC)
I often experience that - it seems so counterintuitive, but I suppose emotions are not simple things sometimes.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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