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I think I have change fatigue

I just totally crapped out yesterday. I get on these self-improvement kicks, and I've been on one for several months now, losin' the weight, workin' the issues, and generally channeling all my creativity into this project that is My Life.

Which, when you think about it, isn't a bad place to put one's creativity...



A part of the culture I'm dipping my toe back into looks like this poster, prominently displayed at my new gym:
Poster at the health club extolling the virtues of self-involvement

On the whole, I agree with the concept, though the wording is a bit less...shall we say "spiritual"?...than, for instance, "First heal yourself: the key to personal and planetary transformation," or "Be the change you wish to see in the world." But it underscores my own sense of selfish ego-gratification in even joining a gym. It's one thing to bicycle for transportation. It's quite another to use valuable time and real money just so I can, basically, wear a sleeveless dress.

Or that's how it feels sometimes.

Anyway, Zumba and extra bike miles have made my knees kind of flare up, and I saw two avenues: stay on this side of the problem by quitting Zumba and dialing back the bike riding, or drill through to the other side of the problem and find out what life is like over there.

I ran out of steam yesterday when, after two hours of focused effort involving an examination of shame, sexuality, my relationship with music, and a whole boatload of resistance to clearing any of these things, I got my damned IT bands to loosen up and let go of my fucking knees. Why knees? Why now? When did I first have knee problems? The kneebone's connected to the thighbone, the thighbone's connected to the hipbone, the hipbone's connected to the sexuality, and oh, didn't it rain.

I was useless afterwards--limp-rag useless. I was too tired even to watch TV. My house is horrifically messy, the cupboard is bare, the laundry is piled up, the shirts are un-pressed, I didn't pack a lunch today, my brain is on autopilot, and I'm just weary.



On the plus side, my knees are remarkably improved.

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, where there are comments. | Comment at Dreamwidth.

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