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Down on the corner, out in the street

This past week hasn't been my best ever, and I still have this grand jury witness thing in front of me tomorrow, but it was getting better, right? The sun came out, the temperature rose, Christian Kane tweeted that he was happy with the weather (I'm so relieved, Chris, really), and I headed home this evening in a moderately sanguine frame of mind.

I made a miscalculation on my bike and inconvenienced (I do not say endangered!) a motorcyclist, who laid on his horn and shouted at me. I shouted back, probably not my best move, but it doesn't take a lot to pierce the fragile veil of my newly-reinstalled calm. One of the things he shouted was, "I hope you make it home alive."

I did, and there was (perhaps ironically) a disc of Dead Like Me awaiting. I love that show--I find it heartwarming and soothing, despite the title and subject matter, so, fairly useless for anything else, I sat down to mass-consume all four eps.

About halfway into the third one, I hear a screech and a crash-boom VERY near where I'm sitting in my living room, and, before I'm off the couch to look out the window, a whole lot of shouts and cries of "Call 911! Call 911!"



56. Corner

Someone--the van-driver, I'm pretty sure--ran the stop sign.

I saw that half the neighborhood had called 911, and a police car was on the scene within a minute (still is, about two hours later). People were shouting, "She's okay! She's okay," and the van driver got out and was ambulatory, and being assisted and comforted by people on all sides.

The sound of that crash triggered something for me and I freaked the fuck out, absolutely sure that Graydie the stray-cat-who-is-not-so-very-stray-anymore was a) the cause and b) the victim of that accident (I have witnessed such a thing in the past).

I found her crouched under a chair on my porch with huge eyes, and just burst into tears. It took me at least half an hour to climb back into my skin. vampirefan can attest to my confused state of mind because we exchanged fully four text messages before I realized that I was not texting my sister. (We had a good laugh about it a little bit later.)

It sounds like the towing service has managed to right the van now--much applause from the neighbors hanging out in the street--and I hear the sound of glass being swept up.

And now, quiet.



The fragility of my nerves is a scary thing. One little personal attack and the edifice of my calm shivers and shifts dangerously. My mood is affected, my judgment becomes impaired--timing, sense of direction, depth perception, eyesight, hearing, the whole thing--so that I become frustrated, and more tense. I handle life's unrelated troubles--like my sister's accident on Sunday--badly, and feel more fragile, which leads to my making more mistakes, which bring more attacks, to the point where even something as random as a car wreck outside my house feels as if it were mystically attracted by this nexus of bad.

I must absolutely clear this state before going to court tomorrow. I really must.

Comments

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
layne67
Jun. 24th, 2010 07:11 am (UTC)
Ouch. That looks bad. And I'm glad that your Graydie was neither the cause nor the victim.

Did Vampirefan realize that you thought you were texting your sister?
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 07:15 am (UTC)
No, but she knew I was texting someone not her! It was pretty funny.
serenity_valley
Jun. 24th, 2010 07:36 am (UTC)
Eep! That would freak me out, too! Very relieved that Graydie wasn't hurt or involved in any way.

So sorry you've had these challenges. You're in a vulnerable place right now, and vulnerability is hard -- it takes more mental and emotional energy than not. Just trying to maintain can be so wearying.

Wishing you strength and support now and tomorrow. I hope court goes quickly and painlessly, and that you can find some peace and serenity again.
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 05:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I am TOTALLY expecting a good dose of peace, serenity, and great food and conversation at your house tomorrow night! \o/
serenity_valley
Jun. 25th, 2010 02:19 am (UTC)
Awww. :)

I just learned that the monthly neighborhood potluck (which I'd forgotten is tomorrow) is being hosted at the neighbor's house this month so it may end up being too noisy for us to sit outside for long. I heard it's supposed to be cooler tomorrow (but still nice!), so we'll just play it by ear...maybe sit out for a bit and then retire to the proverbial parlour for dinner.
emeraldsedai
Jun. 25th, 2010 04:24 am (UTC)
No matter what, it will be lovely. Should I aim for 6:00? 7:00? What's good for you?
serenity_valley
Jun. 25th, 2010 04:29 am (UTC)
6 is good. I'm working from home so I don't have to rush home from the office or anything.
emeraldsedai
Jun. 25th, 2010 04:39 am (UTC)
Cool! And I have the day off, so it will be easy-peasy all around.
serenity_valley
Jun. 25th, 2010 09:00 pm (UTC)
Very cool. We're going to eat on the back porch, I've decided, so just come around to the back when you get here.
serenity_valley
Jun. 24th, 2010 07:37 am (UTC)
Also, here, have an awe-inspiring picture:

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap100623.html
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 05:10 pm (UTC)
Ahh, perspective! It is a wonderful thing.

Thank you. That site is a fantastic source of peace.
scribblemoose
Jun. 24th, 2010 08:45 am (UTC)
Just to say that something like that car accident would shake most people up, I think. As you say it's a miracle no-one was hurt. Add that to your skirmish from earlier and honestly, the sanest person would be upset.

Difference is you have a detailed understanding of how your responses work and know how to quickly recover from these things. I hope you can make it a priority to do what you need to do to rebalance yourself.

What a shitty day, though! God, I hate getting yelled at like that; I'd be running the scene over and over in my head for hours afterwards. Gah.

I hope you have a much better day today. *hugs*

Edited at 2010-06-24 08:47 am (UTC)
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 05:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you. It's precisely that "running the scene over and over in my head for hours afterwards" part that is so damaging, and I'm doing my damnedest to dissolve that cycle.

In a way, the car accident did a fine job of silencing the motorcyclist incident! Fact is, though, that bigger shock doesn't erase smaller shock, just piles on top of it, and it's wisest, I've found, to address each.

Better day today for sure! Thanks for your good words. And I love your icon. Bollocks! Hee!
lady_jane
Jun. 24th, 2010 01:54 pm (UTC)
Holy crap.

I'm in a pretty good state of mind generally and I think witnessing that would freak me the hell out of me too. It's awesome that you had someone to reach out to and process the nerves after.

I'm glad the kitteh is okay. You too!
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 05:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Other mammals than ourselves are generally better at shaking off the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, and what I observed in the cat was: hiding out and quivering for a bit, followed by some agitated walking around in circles, followed by eating a hearty meal, followed by a nap. Then, bingo, all was normal.

Of course, other mammals than ourselves lack prefrontal cortices, and aye, there's the rub. We have to add things like "texting friends" and "blogging" and "talking about it" to the list, but eventually, we get there too.

In short, your comment is part of the cure! \o/
lady_jane
Jun. 24th, 2010 09:04 pm (UTC)
In short, your comment is part of the cure! \o/

Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished!

Glad you're doing better. From one literary buff to another, your reply made my day!
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 09:38 pm (UTC)
Oh, touché!
twasadark
Jun. 24th, 2010 02:48 pm (UTC)
Sometimes life gets to be a bit too much, I think. &hearts Tomorrow hopefully you'll have a fantastic day to even out the cosmic scales!
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 05:18 pm (UTC)
So far, so good! Thank you!
roxymissrose
Jun. 24th, 2010 03:20 pm (UTC)
Things just pile up to the point that it makes everything else feel like it's not real. I've felt like you're feeling many times--too many times the last few months. Thank goodness your sister is okay, and thank goodness no one was hurt in that accident.

emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC)
Yes, there's no planning for the pile-up of bad things that sometimes just plain happens. I'm sorry you've been in the cycle yourself.

Thanks for your good thoughts, and your fantastic Lucy icon! Wasn't she a great character?
communicator
Jun. 24th, 2010 03:39 pm (UTC)
Yes, too many things have happened too quickly. Don't be hard on yourself, I am sure tomorrow will be fine. I am glad Graydie was OK
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 05:21 pm (UTC)
While I'm leery of making a claim to early and jinxing myself, today has started out absolutely splendidly, and it's my intention to keep it rolling along the same sunny, cheery, pretty-colored path.

Thank you.
vampirefan
Jun. 24th, 2010 06:06 pm (UTC)
wow. what the hell did they do to flip that van on it's side?

glad everyone was ok, including sammy! - she's still sammy to me ;) sammy's totally a girl anyway.

i hope you feel better!

*hugs*
emeraldsedai
Jun. 24th, 2010 06:13 pm (UTC)
LOL! I still call her Sam half the time myself. It was very schizo-feeling when I learned her "real" name. And Sammy totally is a girl--in Dean's eyes.

I have no idea how a van flips like that, but from the sound, there was a last-split-second braking and hard swerve to avoid hitting the small white car whose busted-up front-end you can just make out in the picture. She had to have been going a little too fast, and somebody blew a stop sign, for sure. Ten bucks says there was a cellular phone involved.

I'm still laughing over my misdirected text messages last night. :D
pandarus
Jun. 26th, 2010 03:40 pm (UTC)
Holy shit! What a relief they got out okay!

I'm so sorry you've been feeling fragile. If it helps at all, I COMPLETELY grok the whole getting-wrecked-over-one-little-personal-attack thing. Hell, even a perceived attack! I was just inordinately upset about something a stranger said to me a few days ago, which seemed to me very belittling and dismissive, and implying that I'd given them reason to think I was an ungrateful dick - I mean, floods-of-tears, too-upset-to-write STUPID upset. Which I'd like to think is just displacement stuff over my Dad, but I suspect it's just me being me.

I'm glad the kitty was okay, though. Hope you're having a better day today.
emeraldsedai
Jun. 26th, 2010 06:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Yeah, I think it's safe to say that major life stresses like you've been through lately leave a person extremely vulnerable to the minor ones. Then the minor ones feel like they're the more damaging, and we go "Bwuh??? What is WRONG with me???" (or at least, I do--or I used to before I figured all this out about major and minor traumas).

So anyway, yes, the sailboat of my life is back on an even keel, thank you, and I'm so sorry you had the attack/perceived attack experience. That sucks!
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )

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